My Life with Al K. Hall*

Al K. Hall and I were the best of friends for several years. Our conversations consisted of Al doing the talking and me not paying attention to detail or accuracy. Al would often boast of great feats of strength and had the best of intentions but without me he was nothing. We would often wander uninspired down Any St. of Any Town America where loitering was considered a serious business and our unkempt lifestyle preserved our poverty.

Al and I were a team and we were going places, although when you are going nowhere in particular, any road will get you there. Al K. Hall and I went down that road together. We dwelled in the alleys and abandoned buildings strewn with broken dreams, rotting vitality and lost ambition. Our world was void of imagination and purpose, so I only wonder now what I could have done without Al K. Hall.

Al managed to escape going to jail. I of course stayed there occasionally because of some trouble he started. He was always faithful to wait for me outside until I did our time. Al was always busy in an unproductive sort of way. He managed to tear a family apart and killed a couple teenagers on the highway. I wasn't with Al that time but I could have been. I’m sure I was vertically inconsistent and less than ambulatory. Al K. Hall helped me lose my job that very day. I heard Al was the featured attraction at a funeral, a brutal domestic violence incident and a prison sentence, all at the same time on the same day and at several places at once. He really gets around and the police know him by name. He seems to be a great influence in the community. Some of us just can't get enough of Al K. Hall. He's so entertaining, infamous and full of it. You know, taste and variety.

Al was such an inspiration to me. He encouraged me to gamble, steal and start arguments. I owe all my debts and failures to Al K. Hall. I spent the money I didn't have on people I didn't really know to pay for an experience that I don't clearly recall having. Everyone assured me that I had a good time.

I lost a fortune investing myself in his company. Al helped himself to most of my potential, and soaked up my creativity while all the warning signs or common sense went neglected. He often caused me to break down and weep like a child but as soon as we were back on speaking terms he assured me that nothing was going right, that life was meaningless and frequently made a suggestion that I find a gun and terminate my existence. He always mentioned he would be willing to stay until I obtained the nerve to complete the chore. He didn't say anything about who was going to clean up afterward. He only promised to remain close, right up to the end. I mentioned that Al did most of the talking in those days. It should be clearly obvious that Al K. Hall did most of the thinking too.

Al and I went to Hard Knox University in the mid to late 90's. We did our undergraduate studies at the Curbside Annex in Any Town. Al enrolled us in Hell 101 and our school colors were black and blue. I was short by a few days of completing a minor in DUI and almost graduated with a DOA. Although some people never learn from their mistakes, I on the other hand have earned a certifiable education that any liberal college professor could appreciate.

I haven't seen Al for some time now since we went our separate ways. We had an inevitable disagreement over that sobriety thing. We went to church together some but Al got real uncomfortable when he saw that a change was coming and just got up and left. With God’s help I don’t expect to be seen with Al ever again. I don't imagine there's any way for Al K. Hall to get right with God. I still see Al around from time to time in magazines or on television. I know he will most likely be here in Any Town until the judgment day. I know there's a case pending against him. I believe I can testify to that.

*My Life with Alcohol.. 6/22/2005 Timothy La Vigne